September 3, 2012 at 10:39 am (Uncategorized)

its like being under water.  its like fighting something that is holding you under, but you can’t see it and you can’t escape.  its that split second when someone jumps out at you and your whole body freezes up from fear…but instead of bursting into laughter, that split second doesn’t end.

my whole body is tense.  my shoulders and my neck feel like asphalt. its mental fear, sometimes sheer terror, that keeps me coiled so tightly that its painful.  i’m stuck in a moment of time that i can barely pull my body out of, much less my mind.

i thought i had to fight it, but maybe that’s wrong.  maybe i have to give up.  maybe staying so vigil keeps me from healing.  I can’t fight any more. i know there are things to do and ways to fight, but i don’t know how to fight anymore.  all i do is fight how i feel or how i think; i don’t fight the actual demon.  i haven’t even tried.  because i feel so guilty and shameful and weak for the way the demon makes me feel.

that’s what i do.  instead of fighting what’s in front of me, i fight the feeling.  every day, instead of fighting, i steel myself against it.  it’s like bracing for a punch that never comes.

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