wasting away

August 16, 2009 at 10:06 am (Uncategorized)

i’m so tired. so unbelievably, deeply, incredibly exhausted.

i’m tired of wasting time. everytime i turn on the tv, or pick up the newspaper, or turn on npr i am reminded of the desperation people are living in. i think about children who live in terrible homes here in the states, or that live in group homes waiting for placement with a foster family, or children in other countries that have no parents. i think about majority women and men and children in the middle-east who know only what they’ve been told and nothing beyond that. i think about the innocent lives that are lost every minute to serial killers, such as hunger, disease, unclean water, violence, war, crime.

then i think about the church. where are we? we are spending our lives inside the walls of a building instead of outside in the world. we are so busy making someone look pretty or making ourselves feel better that we’re doing nothing to reach a lost, dying, hopeless world.

we’ll spend $450 billion dollars at christmas…but pennies on aids research. we’ll get starbucks every morning, but rarely think about families without access to clean water. we’ll overstuff ourselves on a regular basis, or spend money we don’t have on something that sounds good, without giving heed to the outrageous numbers of people dying of malnutrion. we’ll buy CDs and clothes and iPhones and vehicles and homes and all of these superfluous things that help no one. in fact, we’ve gotten so vain that now when we spend $50 on a t-shirt and part of it goes to “help the needy”, we actually walk away feeling good about it. what a pathetic pat on the back we give ourselves.

we’ll throw ourselves into relationships, run around with whatever group of people offers the most, trade people in as though they mean nothing, instead of treating each other like souls that hurt and weep and heal and laugh. we get so caught up in today that we forget that somewhere, someone’s today is more like hell than our today is. and we’re doing nothing about it.

i’m tired of this. i’m tired of peddling faster and going nowhere. this is getting pathetic. i’ve had these dreams as long as i can remember…and i truly thought the Lord was providing a partner to conquer all of these things…and yet i find myself alone, hoping that i can make a difference. because these dreams aren’t gone…they’re just bigger than they used to be.

i’m done with short term mission trips – 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years. the time has come to truly walk this faith…to offer God all of my moments, not just a handful of them. it is time to look up, and to look around, and to do the work. perhaps people will come alongside and help…but i cannot control others nor can i place expectations upon them. its time to stand up straight and do the work. i will live this life and it will impact eternity. i will adopt and foster and tell other’s about Jesus. i will not sit still any longer. the time has come to run. not just towards Him…not just away from things that hinder me…but with eternity set in my heart.

“look around you and see. i am doing something in the nations you would not believe, even if i told you.”
-habbakuk 1:5


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August 15, 2009 at 10:09 am (Uncategorized)

to the sister i never knew, and the child she has yet to meet…
two people that make heaven that much sweeter.

heaven’s nursery

welcomed in to a new home
just inside the gates
small voices with resounding sound
singing songs of praise

the sound is sweeter
than all we’ve ever heard
listen quietly
to the wisdom in their words

what can be said
to the God who saves
all glory be to You
and honor to Your name

His name is greater
than the loss of two so loved
what better place to lose them to
than the home of the One above

a day will come
a day that will taste so sweet
after a life time apart
we will finally meet

He kept them close
so He could hear them sing
follow the sound of their songs
to find heaven’s nursery

the lyrics of my life are flowing out. there have been songs and melodies locked inside my heart and i’ve been waiting to unlock it. the pressure feels so intense…as though the music is pushing against the door of my heart, and seeping out when the crack is large enough. i am dreaming tunes and words. i use my server book for taking orders…and writing lyrics as they come to me. i’ve never felt so incredibly overwhelmed with things to say to the Lord. so many memories and heartaches and joys to sing about. so many characteristics of the most high God to write about. i cannot hold it in…for i am truly, truly afraid that if i were to hold back, the rocks beside me would cry out instead. it seems that all of creation can surely feel what is aching to be set free. perhaps i am the only one, but the music in my heart is the soundtrack to my life. i have lived it…now i want to hear it.

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August 13, 2009 at 10:10 am (Uncategorized)

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim
because it was grassy and wanted wear;
though as for that, the passing there
had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no feet had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –
I took the one less travelled by,
and that has made all the difference

-robert frost-


i feel disconnected. as though the strings have been cut. it almost bothers me, but only when i attempt to reattach the severed ties.

i tried to remember what yesterday felt like and, although vague, i could remember it. but when i tried to move yesterday into tomorrow, the feelings were gone. not just gone…but an obvious misfit.

it has only been a handful of moments since then, but still seems so ancient. as though a deep, yet transient, line divides the worlds that now clash against each other.

it is literally as if i headed down a road that led me back to where i started. unlike so many other people, i got a second chance. and this time, i took the road less traveled…and it has made all the difference.

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