4am…again

July 22, 2009 at 10:11 am (Uncategorized)

i don’t sleep anymore. i lay in bed and think. i’m drowsy all the time, but never sleepy. i can close my eyes but my mind does not shut off. it keeps going. i think about everything. and everyone.

when i was in my late teens/very very early twenties, i would wake up in the middle of the night with someone on my mind. it was like God woke me up to pray for them, so i would. these days, i can’t seem to pinpoint one person or thing to pray for. so i speak an all encompassing prayer that includes all of my thoughts and ask the Lord to take those thoughts captive and make them obedient to Him. there are certain people i have a heavy heart for…but i’m missing something. i can’t figure out what i’m missing, but i’m missing it. my mind plays memories like movies…and searches the future for something of meaning. i have a feeling i’ll be seeing 4am on a regular basis until i figure out what i’m missing.

i cried today. for the first time in about 10 days. and i cried hard. sometimes it hits me all at once. i try to keep my thoughts balanced…a positive for a negative. a verse for each thought (whether good or bad). but some days, like today, i can’t seem to balance what i’ve gained with what i’ve lost. today, what i’ve lost seemed greater. other days, what i’ve gained seems greater. and on the really awesome good days, they balance each other and life is just life. but as i made myself stand up and go pick up lucy…and sing Bible songs with her…and give her a bath…i reminded myself that no matter how it balances out, God is still on His throne and i have confidence in that. when everything else is messed up, that will never change. and it is comforting.

i kept lucy tonight and i went in her bedroom as she attempted to cry herself to sleep. i laid down beside her bed and reached my hand up. she grabbed my hand and fell asleep holding it. i couldn’t move for the longest time. i just wanted to freeze the moment. because someday really soon, she’ll be too far away to hold my hand. and i’ll wish i was close enough to lay beside her bed. and no matter how many times i spend $1200 to go see my family, it will be worth every dime. because, as hard as this is, i couldn’t be prouder of kenny and ashlee. and i couldn’t love them any more…even if they were staying down the hall forever.

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He is jealous for me

July 17, 2009 at 10:12 am (Uncategorized)

He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

 

i never could’ve dreamed all of this. i’m creative and have an extremely active imagination, but never could i have come up with all of this. what an unbelievable time this has been.

but oh, what an unbelievable week this has been. i feel as though i’m finally on the flipside. or at least reach a high part of this mountain i’ve found myself on.

my heart isn’t whole by any means. but for the first time, i think pieces are coming together. i feel the logical part of me taking over, and my confidence returning. it has been such a slow process…quite honestly, i didn’t think the days would ever feel sunny again. but they do…they feel so bright and open. psalm 18 says the Lord reaches down and pulls out of the raging waters and sets us in a wide and open place. when i close my eyes, i no longer remember the raging waters…i think about the incredible pasture of peace He set me in. i can see forever no matter which what i’m turned. i read hebrews 12 today and was so enraptured by “throwing off every hindrance and the sin that so easily entangles”…i cannot come up with a better word to describe myself other than free. i am free. i am free from hindrances and sin that so easily entangles and mediocrity. i put my dreams on a shelf a long time ago…in hopes that i’d make new ones with someone. and now, i’m dusting off those dreams and finding that they’re too small. i was also in habakkuk (i read a lot today..) and kept thinking that if it says in 1:5 that He is doing things in the nations that i cannot begin to imagine…then He is so much bigger than what i have been dreaming.

i’ve left that place. and i won’t go back. and i finally feel like maybe i’ll find home again. and like maybe i’ll find normal again. and like perhaps, one day soon, i’ll wake up and be me again. just a better, stronger, Godlier me.

i can’t wait for tomorrow. and the next day. but right now, i’ll dwell on who He is and who He is making me to be.

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the j-walk

July 11, 2009 at 10:32 pm (Uncategorized)

The much anticipated dance video has finally arrived.
*this is a MUCH shortened version…someday, i’ll give you the whole thing. 🙂

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