a brutal plane ride

May 28, 2009 at 4:00 am (Uncategorized)

satan attacks and he attacks strong! i was caught so off guard, despite how deeply ready i thought i was. i was surprised that it was physically hard to follow what the L-rd had asked me to do. here is a few choice parts of what i wrote in my journal on the flight from New York to Cairo:

my mind is racing with thoughts i cannot control. i feel so exhausted. i have reached a point of desperation. i have never felt so full of fear. there is a battle going on inside me–a fierce battle for my heart and for my mind. never, in my life, have i heard the L-rd’s voice so clearly in some ways and not in others. i believe He has called me to Cairo for the next ten weeks. that is all i know. i have plenty of thoughts and scenarios, all of which i have worked up in my mind. trusting the L-rd this way is new territory. i’ve never walked this path before. however, it feels as though i am reclaiming ground i surrendered to the enemy a long time ago. there are areas that the L-rd has been shut out of–areas i have shut myself out of. He wants to redeem all of them. completely. He offers grace and mercy to all of me. … i want everything the L-rd offers because He keeps His promises. i want the confidence i find in J-sus, not confidence that seemed shortlived. i am asking the Lord to heal my heart and make me new. i am begging the L-rd to take my thoughts captive. i know and believe the Lord can take control of my mind. i may feel trapped, but He certainly is not. “Behold, I have taken from you the cup of staggering.” He can control everything i am thinking and feeling because He knows it already. i am begging Him for rest and rescue. i know this is a spiritual battle. i know satan wants nothing more than to leave me ineffective to what God has asked of me. I know G-d is my victory and He IS here, but it seems that triumph is a long way away. … The L-rd has plans. good ones. i will trust His plans instead of making my own. Father, give me strength. give me rest. give me confidence. heal my heart. cleanse my life. captivate my mind. show me who You are and who You want me to be. don’t let me dwell on the past or on the things i don’t know. focus my mind and my heart on You. i beg You to rescue me from my desperation. transform it into a desperation for You. let me pursue only You.

my mom prayed that the L-rd would provide a friend to sit next to on the plane, and one arrived. 11 hours later, after we had watched movies, spilled our hearts, talked about what G-d is doing in this nation, she handed me a letter full of promises to claim.

in this you rejoice, though now for a little while if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith – more precious than gold that perishes…though it is tested by fire – may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of J-sus Chr-st.
1 Peter 1:6-7


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4 days!

May 23, 2009 at 11:08 am (Uncategorized)

هُوَ ضَمَانُ أَزْمَانِكَ وَوَفْرَةُ خَلاَصٍ وَحِكْمَةٍ وَمَعْرِفَةٍ، وَتَكُونُ مَخَافَةُ الرَّبِّ كَنْزَهُ.

and He will be the stability of your times,
abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge;
the fear of the L-RD is Zion’s treasure.
Isaiah 33:6

I’ve been reading an awesome book by Frances J Roberts called “Come Away My Beloved.” This morning’s devotion was so encouraging. Here is a bit:

Tarry not for an opportunity to have more time to be alone with Me. Take it, though you leave tasks at hand. Nothing will suffer. Things are of less importance than you think. Our time together is like a garden full of flowers, whereas the time you give to things is as a field full of stubble.

It was such a great reminder to me to enjoy the L-rd’s presence NOW. I have lists of things to do and people to spend time with. I need to run errands and start packing and practice my Arabic and figure out my luggage. I sat on the couch this morning with my mom, running through all the things I have going on the next 4 days. The Lord quietly reminded me that His list is the only important one. If I run out of socks, or have to pay extra for heavy luggage, or forget my toothpaste…He will still be glorified.

Pray for me as I logistically begin to prepare for my departure on Wednesday. I want to soak up the time with my family and the people I love. Pray that the L-rd would give me rest and energy and that He would multiply my time. Also be praying for the teams that are already there, both permanently and short-term. The L-rd is moving and I cannot wait to be a part of it!

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May 3, 2009 at 10:13 am (Uncategorized)

i hate the pretense. why the hell waste your time trying to look like something you aren’t? why can’t people be real and upfront? don’t people need to show their hearts instead of their “Sunday best?” would outsiders not feel more comfortable in a REAL church instead of a fake one? since when did it become important what I wear or why there are drums on stage or the tattoo on my leg? how is it possible that teenagers can worship the Lord in a victorious way and the whole time be stared down by the “holier,” better dressed crowd sitting on the outskirts? it is such a sad, tragic moment when someone can watch the most romantic of moments – a child of God worshipping at the throne of their Creator – and judge. that seems more evil than any crime I can think of. what fulfillment do they find in donning their pastel, polyester outfits and doing their hair in the typical Sunday fashion and showing up with their family to church (ON TIME) and walking in the air of perfection? do they feel as though it is worth it? don’t they know how fake they are? don’t they realize they are alienating the rest of the world? and not only the non-believers. don’t they know their “perfection” makes other believers feel as though they are coming up short? it is hard to believe in grace and mercy and redemption when the very people who have access to those things would prefer to stand with their arms crossed and their eyebrows lowered and judge my lack of perfection. what would they say if they knew they were pushing the world out the front door and sneaking me thru the back door for not measuring up? shouldn’t i feel at home in the local church instead of wondering if everything i’ve learned is a load of crap? i’d rather spend my time with people who are honest about their screw-ups, then to waste 5 hours on a Sunday with people who truly don’t give a damn about the person next to them. i’d rather walk away from anything and everything i know and love to spend time in Egypt with people who will be real about who they are. i’d rather spend ten weeks with 80 million muslims who LIVE their faith, then sit in a pew at an evangelical church and wonder why i’m wasting my time. i’m tired of pretending…but more so, i’m tired of feeling like i have to. i will never be enough, but a least i know that, instead of living in a cloud of fake perfection. ignorance may be bliss, but for those who hate the pretense, it simply annoys the hell out of us.

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