the unanswered

June 27, 2008 at 10:24 am (Uncategorized)

Can I feel empty even if I am not? Can satan destroy the feeling of life inside of me? Can he make things so loud and distracting that I can’t focus on Him…& eventually I don’t even know He’s there? Can I be so distracted that I forget? Is it possible to stop feeling? Can I shut myself down so much to where I don’t feel anything? I want to feel and I wish I could and I hope that IF I get the courage to raise my eyes, I’ll see Him standing there. Is it possible to forget what He looks like? That when I do look up, there is something so familiar—it tugs at my heart, but I just can’t place Him? Can I push Him so far to the side that, when I do want to focus on Him, I have to look past so many things just to catch a glimpse of His face? When I want so badly to see Him, I’m blinded by the mistakes in front of me. I can’t see the light because of the darkness glaring back at me. I can’t see the present or even the future because I’m so distracted by yesterday. Do not worry about tomorrow, but what about all my yesterdays? If the past is history, then why do I continue to live in it? If grace covers and His blood washes, then are the stains I see simply figments of my imagination? If satan is the father of lies, then does he put these thoughts in my head? If he only has the power I give to him, then how do I fight him? How can I fight someone who is powerless? If the cross frees completely then why am I held down by broken chains? How can I still be in bondage when the bondage is supposed to be broken? If satan doesn’t have access to the depths of me, then why do I feel so attacked at my core? As though my weaknesses are on display for the world to take free shots at? Why do I continue to struggle with these feelings of unworthiness, when I know that my identity and value is based on the very Creator of the ground I walk on?

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the dark

June 22, 2008 at 10:23 am (Uncategorized)

It’s funny that I’m surprised by the darkness in my heart. But I am. I’m surprised at how wicked and depraved I really am. Without the grace of God, where would I be? If not for the washing of the blood of Christ, I would be covered in the ashes of the sins I’ve committed.
I feel so obvious. As though my sins are sprinkled on me like the freckles on my skin. My curly hair and complexion make it hard for me to hide in a crowd…I feel the same way when it comes to my mistakes. I fully expect people to look at me and know I am a hypocrite. A child of God looks like a child of God because of their actions. Certainly the opposite is true. Do I resemble someone or something else, or is that simply my imagination? If I’m not reflecting Christ in my actions and thoughts and desires and words then what do I reflect? Am I reflecting darkness or am I simply void of the Light? Can a child of God be void of the Light? My flesh and my battle so valiantly, is there ever a chance that my flesh wins? When that happens, can people see the truth? Is it as obvious to them as it is to me? Or am I a true hypocrite…the kind that has the ability to hide my sins underneath a mask of holiness. If so, certainly that is the such deep blasphemy. Surely hiding beneath fake holiness offends the very Creator of humanity.
Knowledge is power. Knowing what the problem is puts you one step closer to solving it. That being the case, why is my wickedness an ongoing illness? If Jesus is the Great Physician, why am I not completely healed of my depravity? Do I hold on to my sins? Is it like having my hand stuck in the cookie jar…if I let go of the cookie, my hand will come out—if I continue to grasp so tightly to what looks good, I will continue to be stuck in the same place. Is it worth it?

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