tantrums, heels, and realizations

July 2, 2007 at 1:13 am (Uncategorized)

i am such a child.
i can broadcast my age, color my gray hair, and wear peep-toe heels, but the fact remains:  i am not as grown up as i thought i was.  i have my opinions and my monthly bills and my list of “important” things to do, but in some areas, i suppose i am just as childish today as i was 15 years ago.

i throw fits.  silly ones.  not the kind with stamping feet and yelling–i’ve grown out of those.  the problem these days is the other kind.  the kind where i turn my nose up and walk away, determined to end up right.

and these fits always involve God.
always.

i’ve known about my attitude problem for a while.  my perspective has narrowed and i have come across these  things that have been a bit off, and yet i chose to ignore them.

the Lord began to work on my pride and my humility several months ago.  i thought He had finished.  until i found myself fighting God on the smallest of things and i couldn’t understand why.

until now.

i didn’t get what i wanted.  God chose His ways instead of mine, and, like a 4 year old, i’m angry about it.  still.  not the kind of anger where i yell and throw things and kick puppies, but the kind of anger where i decide i’m going to deprive God of things that belong to Him…in hopes of “teaching” Him a lesson.  and after a year, i’m beginning to realize that i deprived myself of blessings He wanted to give me.

so, i find myself revisiting yesterday.  it isn’t quite as nice as i remembered…its more complicated now.  i’m older and more cynical and wiser to the darkness that still remains inside of me.

but i think i figured out what He meant by this:

He said to them, “This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, to whom 
you sent me to present your petition, says: ‘If you stay in this land, I 
will build you up and not tear you down; I will plant you and not 
uproot you, for I am grieved over the disaster I have inflicted on 
you. Do not be afraid of the king of Babylon, whom you now fear. Do 
not be afraid of him, declares the LORD, for I am with you and will save 
you and deliver you from his hands. I will show you compassion 
so that he will have compassion on you and restore you to your land.’
Jeremiah 42:9-12

i was never more committed to the Lord and to all He asked of me than i was a year ago.  and i’m beginning to understand what He was doing and where, exactly, He was asking me to stay.

in some ways, i obeyed.  i didn’t move.
but in the more important ways, i walked away in utter disobedience.

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