desperate

March 28, 2007 at 11:49 pm (Uncategorized)

sometimes i find myself asking God for an answer, and then looking for it myself.  i say that i need Him, but i don’t sit still long enough to appear convincing.  i claim that i will follow Him no matter the cost, but i play in my sandbox instead of venturing outside the gates of my comfort zone.  i bare my soul and talk about His grace, but i hide behind a veil that allows me to see out but impedes your view of who i am.

i have found myself in a place of utter desperation.  i ache to rest in Him and be filled with His peace, yet i find myself awake at all hours with hundreds of questions to ask.  it seems as though one answer brings with it even more questions, but He is proving Himself to be faithful.  the longer i am still, the more progress i feel i am making.

Your truth is a lamp
Your wisdom, my light
i’m seeking Your face
with intentions of finding You

i would run for a thousand years
if i knew every step would be getting me closer
i’d swim to the ocean floor
for my Lord is the treasure, my Lord is the treasure

i’m learning.  i am continually amazed at how little i know, and how much there is to be learned.  i will not make Him all He needs to be until i realize that nothing else will be enough.  i cannot change my world until i learn to step out of my sandbox and do something real.  i will not find an answer until i am desperate enough to need Him with my entire being.  seek Him and you will find Him, when you seek Him with all your heart.

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stand still

March 9, 2007 at 12:49 pm (Uncategorized)

i’m in a learning mode…the kind that only comes around when the moon is blue, bringing with it an aching for yesterday…the kind i walk away from feeling older and wiser and a bit more transparent.

i’m learning that God is in all things.  i’m finding Him in all that i hear…breath, laughter, song.  i’m finding Him in all that i see…skies, people, the world.  i’m finding Him in all that i touch…skin, piano keys, paper.  i’m finding Him in all that i feel…bitterness, love, regret.

i cannot take God out of my world, i can only attempt to exclude Him.  in Him, i live and move and have my being: aside from Him, i merely exist in a world that lacks beauty.  without a God who pours His grace over me, i can only walk aimlessly towards what i thought i wanted to be.  in Him, i find the hope of renewal and purpose.

who am i to try to define toughness by the number of tears that don’t fall?  who am i to move when He so clearly told me to stand still?  who am i to question His intentions?

i’m learning that each moment defines me.  just like a quiescent melody played on piano, each moment is intertwined with the next to weave together a song that glorifies the Lord.  i am not in control of the notes i’m given, i’m simply in control of how they are played.

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