May 1, 2006 at 9:15 pm (Uncategorized)

i always thought stability was the answer…a degree, a good job, a place where i am surrounded by people who love me. however, i am finding that it is no longer enough. i am not satisfied by these things. in my discontent, i have allowed myself to become aimless. i did not teach myself to find joy in every circumstance or to find peace in the midst of trouble. instead, i allowed myself to live in mediocrity, and be convinced that a lifetime of good works is a fair substitute for a lifetime of obedience.

i have been ignoring Him for a very long time. it didn’t start out as a purposeful neglect…it came on so slowly, i never really noticed it. i can’t blame it all on the past, but that is certainly where it began. i’m all about walking away…i have mastered the art of shutting the door and convincing myself that i no longer care. it is so easy for me to brush aside the uncomfortable and surround myself with only what i think i need to survive. i have long considered companionship, vulnerability, and affection as unneccessary and do not allow myself such “luxuries.” it seemed as though i was protecting myself, but all it caused was destruction. i have been so determined to be in control, that i didn’t realize that i wasn’t the one with the upperhand. perhaps independence is not all we think it to be…perhaps it is a crutch for the weak-minded and a cloak to cover the insecurity we all try to hide.

i don’t have the answer, and i won’t pretend that i am close to finding it. i simply know that i can no longer hide in my own little world. i must pull myself out of this shell, finish what i started, and move on towards something great. i must acknowledge mistakes for what they are, and friendships for all they could be. in someways, i must become more discontent–i can no longer live in shades of gray.

his glass falls, breaks into a thousand pieces
spilling out all he’s tried to hide
he only wanted to be strong, to be brave
but its driven everyone away

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