April 20, 2006 at 11:25 am (Uncategorized)

as a preface to this post, let me fill you in on the last couple of weeks. i had two spots (technically moles, but i do not like that word, so i will use spots) removed to be biopsied (for the C-word) last thursday. i have two things to say– 1) i do not like doctors, and 2) i am anxiety prone (exacerbated by extreme impatience).

i had a doctor’s appointment this morning. i fully expected to be told that i have 6 months to live (even though i had a blood work up 8 months ago and everything was normal) and that i should make a list of everything i want to do before i die (it is possible i did that last night). i had a dream last night that i was told that they were 37% sure it wasn’t cancerous…and i was happy with that stat. i walked into the office this morning feeling as though i was stepping closer to realizing my own mortality. no one likes to be faced with death…especially me. i like to think that i am invincible and i can do all things on my own (it is my weird stubborn/independent/self-reliant/trust-no-one complex).

the moral of all of this is that we are here for a reason–not so we can be hypochondriacs and waste our lives on fear, but so we can use our lives to love the people around us. we are here for a reason–to stand up, turn the light on and cast out the shadows of darkness. life isn’t easy and satan will use anything he can—take refuge in the One Who shed His blood so we may be filled with Something instead of nothing.

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April 17, 2006 at 6:10 pm (Uncategorized)

i’m sitting at home with a cold, missing Erica’s birthday, (thanks exhaustion/germs), and bemoaning my (apparently) sorrowful existence.

self-pity is a funny thing. not like ‘ha-ha’ funny…more like ‘in-your-face’ funny. i’m not one to get emotional. i don’t normally do that whole “cry your eyes out” thing…i just hit something and move on. i much prefer that. i hate sitting here feeling that familiar twinge of regret…like i just walked away from something great. i think to myself, crap.

i’m still learning how to be content in every situation. yesterday, i led worship for 100 kids. i watched them get excited (technically, undignified) about Jesus, and found myself a bit emotional. Jesus is changing lives and allowing me to be a part of it. He truly is all i need…i’m finding that each day. i’m still learning how to base my whole identity in who He defines me to be, not what others think i ought to be. lately, i have found myself needing to prove something…as though i need to be something specific in order to have a voice of importance. the Lord has been teaching me that time is of too much value to waste it on something so trivial. people need Jesus, and someone needs to tell them.

your grace is sufficient for me
your strength is made perfect
when i am weak
and all that i cling to
i lay at your feet
your grace is sufficient for me

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April 12, 2006 at 10:00 am (Uncategorized)

i stared. i couldn’t help it…and i couldn’t stop either. every step he took and every move he made was more miraculous than the last. every finger and toe, his eyes, his smile….all a sign of the miracle of Christ. i had heard, but it was first time i had seen. the power of Christ seemed to overwhelm him, but it almost seemed to fit him. he was the embodiment of the resurrection. the blood of the Lamb flowed through his veins…the breath of true life was in his lungs. it was obvious the Lord had performed a modern-day miracle, and allowed me to observe. my eyes were glued to him. in that moment, i caught a glimpse of the glory of Jesus Christ. i cannot describe it, except to say that it took my breath away. in the moment, he became the most beautiful thing i have ever seen and my heart was healed.

i cling to You my King
i cling to You my Lord
when all else fails
and trouble calls
i cling to my all in all

i call to You my God
i call to You my Peace
when darkness falls
and the world moves in
i call to my precious Lamb

You defeated death
with death itself
You created life in me
You heal the broken
and strengthen the weak
Your blood breathes life in me

i reach for You my King
i reach for You my Lord
when the waters rise
and the waves crash in
i will reach for Your saving hand

You defeated death
with death itself
You created life in me
You heal the broken
and strengthen the weak
Your blood breathes life in me

i believe in You my God
i believe in You my Peace
when death has its grip
and i cannot break free
i believe You will rescue me

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April 7, 2006 at 10:55 am (Uncategorized)

I’m not one to get angry. Irritated, yes…but not angry. Courtesy of various circumstances, my rarely appearing anger reared its ugly head yesterday. The kind of anger that makes me fairly upset (I took it out on a ping-pong ball). I’m not good with surprises…I don’t like them, I don’t want them, and I do not do well with them. However, I learned a lesson yesterday. I have been extended a huge amount grace…who says I can’t extend a little myself? I am washed in the blood of the Lamb…but I am not the only one who makes that claim. We all make mistakes, we all have our standards, and we all make decisions according to both. I can’t undo the past, but I can control my reaction to things now. I am better than an angry reaction to someone who made a decision based on something he believed was best for him. It is all about extending grace and letting go.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.
Romans 3:23-25

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April 3, 2006 at 10:35 pm (Uncategorized)

I will preface this by saying I do not appreciate pity.

I may actually be crazy. Perhaps God is giving me a little taste of the “dark side” so when (if?) He brings me back to light, I will be more thankful and perhaps a better person. I have found myself in such a dark place lately. I am not sleeping well (understatement) and when I do sleep, I have terrible nightmares.

All of that to say, I am beginning to realize several things. One, I am a woman grounded in a lifetime of fear. I took some time several nights ago and wrote out everything I am afraid of. It was a lot. Two, I am determined to beat fear. I will not be bound to darkness. There is no fear in love, and perfect love casts out fear (thanks Jesus). Three, my biggest fear is corrupting that which is wholesome. I think that may be the root of all other fears. If I can conquer that, I may be able to conquer the rest. I am responsible for my own corruption, but I would hate to be responsible for someone else’s. Hence the tendency to draw back from serious relationships.

I have spent years searching for peace, and I am finding it. I am finding it in discipline and structure and cleanliness and Godliness and holiness and humility and joy and honesty and love. I can do this. I have a past…a dark one. A can of worms I have sealed shut and dread the day I open….but, I will open it one day. In all of these things, fear and doubt especially, I am more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ, who loves me.

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