February 28, 2006 at 9:50 am (Uncategorized)

Somehow, I forgot why I love to run. I love everything about it—my shoes hitting the pavement…short, quick breaths echoing in my ears; the sounds are so comforting. They quiet my soul, and I am never thinking more clearly than I am when I run. Somehow, running speaks to me on a deeper level than just exercise (which is good…women are at high risk for cardiovascular disease). I am not good with commitment, and I have a hard time pushing myself beyond mediocrity. I am the type to quit before succeeding at something in fear of failing to accomplish it. But when I run, I am not aware of those things. I run for me, and I am at peace.

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February 21, 2006 at 5:00 pm (Uncategorized)

I have a lot on my mind…this just seems to be one of those times. Typically, I try not to think about too many things at once (I am anxiety prone); these days, I cannot seem to help it. I cannot even seem to pull myself together enough to write (anything). Part of me wonders why I will not let myself sit down and write until the world is normal again. Perhaps it is a fear of what I would write…or perhaps a fear of what I would not.

Distance is the topic of choice today…not just miles, but time and emotions. I have moved plenty of times—enough to understand the distance of miles. Yet, I have a hard time understanding how you can feel so distant from someone right next to you. Or how easy it can be to distance yourself from something you want no part of. Or how you can walk away from something, only to later realize that there was never any distance between you and that thing (or person)…only a silencing of emotions. I keep coming back to the place where I miss that one thing…or that one person. It happens each year around this time…it is funny how¬†persistent¬†the past is.

Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.
Psalm 119:36-37

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February 14, 2006 at 11:10 am (Uncategorized)

In reference to learning to keep my mouth shut, I saw this on a church sign:

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Brilliantly profound.

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February 12, 2006 at 9:35 pm (Uncategorized)

I hate being convicted. I get this weird, prideful attitude, and I think to myself, “Man, I finally have it all together.”

First pride, then the crash–
the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.
Proverbs 16:18

I seriously need to rethink my thinking processes. I hold everyone to a higher standard, but I excuse myself when I fail. Not only that, I put myself on the defense at all times….thinking I need to have the last word.

I have an ego of unreasonable size. I have claimed independence and self-satisfaction for far too long. Not only does that have an affect on me, and my relationship with the Lord, but it is like playing Russian Roulette with my friendships. And I wonder why people think I’m crazy.

I hate doing this publicly, but it is about time I take myself down a notch. Who am I to believe that I have something to say, when the most elementary of issues stop me in my tracks? I cannot claim a desire to be used by the Lord, when I ignore the things that are staring me in the face. To those who’s friendships I have stamped upon, I deserve nothing less than rebuke. Do not excuse me…hold me to a higher standard.

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February 10, 2006 at 2:00 pm (Uncategorized)

I do not do sick gracefully. In fact, I do not do sick. I hate laying around, feeling useless and vulnerable. My brothers and sister-in-law laughed at me last night…apparently I was not an attractive sight. Yesterday, I warned my mom that I will always come home to be sick. She caters to me in my sad state and she will always love me…pathetic or not.

I did not do a post-DNow post (ha, double meaning words–and it is grammatically correct). I have to say that I had phenomenal group. Our first night, we all told our testimonies. All of us. It was an amazing time. God taught me another aspect of living under grace…being proud of where He has brought me and not being ashamed of needing to be rescued.

Ahh, the Lord is good.

Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him.
Psalm 34:8

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February 6, 2006 at 12:25 pm (Uncategorized)

My heart grew hot within me,
and as I meditated, the fire burned;
then I spoke with my tongue:
“Show me, O LORD, my life’s end
and the number of my days;
let me know how fleeting is my life.
You have made my days a mere handbreadth;
the span of my years is as nothing before you.
Each man’s life is but a breath.”
Psalm 39:3-5

I have been feeling a sense of urgency lately. I have been hearing a Voice saying, “Run, Kristi, run as hard and as fast as you can.” Within the last several days, that which is superfluous has ceased to matter. I can no longer justify wasting time. I cannot twiddle my thumbs any longer. Grace calls me to a higher standard and a greater cause. I have become antsy and I can hardly sit still. I had believed that my energy was due to anxiety, but I am finding otherwise. Time is limited—and is quickly running out. The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few.

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February 2, 2006 at 2:25 pm (Uncategorized)

If I should say, “My foot has slipped,”
Your lovingkindess, O Lord, will hold me up.
When my anxious thoughts multiply within me,
Your consolations delight my soul.
Psalm 94:18-19

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