January 30, 2006 at 11:45 am (Uncategorized)

I do love Alias. I’m probably going to be on Extreme Makeover. That way, I can be Sydney Bristow. She is my hero. I tried to get in the army once…they wouldn’t take me. I wanted to be a sniper and pick people off with my cool gun. I would wear a black dress and my lucky stilettos (every good assassin has a pair of stilettos). Oh, and I would punch people.
I heard my friend, Kate Earl, on Grey’s Anatomy last night. They played one of her songs as background music. I freaked out a bit…ask April. If I had a side job (another one), I would pick music for TV shows. And name the episodes. In fact, if I were a sniper, that would be my cover job.

If you like good music, listen to Michael Rossback. He is good. Amos Lee is pretty good too…though a bit on the unattractive side.

Oh, and don’t underestimate me…I might be a sniper.

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January 26, 2006 at 9:50 pm (Uncategorized)

Life is funny.

I just solved a math problem over the phone for my dad (he called and needed help with Charlotte’s homework..odd).
I’m doing something I’ve always wanted to do, but didn’t think I would ever have the opportunity.
I just put Katherine Himaya to bed, and thought to myself “I’d like to have a child someday.” (there is something about staring at her curly-head…it does it to me everytime)

And I’m going to start taking Jazz Piano lessons.
I’m thrilled.

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January 22, 2006 at 1:00 am (Uncategorized)

Why – Nichole Nordeman
My precious Son, I hear them screaming
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe You in robes of My own
Jesus, this hurts Me much more than You know
But this dark hour I must do nothing
Though I’ve heard Your unbearable cry
The power in Your blood destroys all of the lies
Soon You’ll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look there below, see the child
Trembling by her father’s side
Now I can tell You why
She is why You must die

About 8 years ago, I realized the power of the cross and responded to it. I took a moment to read through my journals…and am awed at how God has changed me. I have truly been redeemed. Nothing I could ever write would do Him justice. The words I long to say have yet to come into existence. I love Him with a love that makes my heart ache. How precious is the moment I asked Him to walk with me. How beautiful that He said “Yes.”

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January 20, 2006 at 1:10 pm (Uncategorized)

Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He inaugurated for us through the veil, that is, His flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.
Hebrews 10:19-25

This passage came up today in a conversation with a pastor friend of mine (Peter). I am struck by the use of confidence in the first verse. Dictionary.com defines confidence as a “state of being certain.” We can dwell in a state of certainty. We can choose to walk in certainty and live our life accordingly. Because we are fully assured of our faith (due to the blood of the Lamb), we are given an opportunity to come into His holy place. He has a quality and standard of life that He has called us to, and we can live up to that standard because of Who He is. We are not bound by our humanity—we are freed by His grace.

I had another run-in with a gray hair. I read last night that Salma Hayek found a gray hair, and willed it away. She has not found any since. I left the hair attached to my head, and am trying her method.. Also, I began research on my hair products to make sure they aren’t stripping my hair of it’s color. I believe there is a reason these odd colored strands have appeared (other than my age).

UPDATE:
It is true. My shampoo has a history of causing hair discoloration. I knew I wasn’t graying early.

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January 17, 2006 at 11:30 am (Uncategorized)

Today, I started the rest of my life.
Somehow, adulthood is not what I thought it would be.

I went to work today…a new job, a new calendar, and a new list of things to do. I felt as though I were a little girl, dressing up in her mother’s clothes, attempting to be all grown-up.
I don’t doubt that this is where God wants me…but it has been a while since I’ve been sitting in the middle of His will. It is a little nerve-wracking. What will He ask me to do next? I admit I have butterflies, but I’m looking forward to this journey.

My creativity is overwhelming at the moment. I never considered myself a writer, but somehow, I have become just that. I cannot stop.

The silly things we do for beauty. I started a healthier way of eating (I refuse to call it a diet) this morning. I hate bananas. The last time I ate a banana was in 7th grade. I threw it back up–into a water fountain. Yet, I ate one this morning (choked it down, really) because bananas have so many healthy qualities.

All is well. The banana did not come back up.
And, I love my job.

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January 12, 2006 at 11:50 am (Uncategorized)

You called me beautiful
When You saw my shame

Tonight I am overwhelmed by the greatness of God. I cannot find the words to express how I am feeling at the moment, but I am reminded of my searching–not only my search for salvation, but my later attempts to put all doubts to rest. Once, a couple of years ago, I took a Philosophy class. My professor had very liberal views–not only liberal, but fairly “New Age” (I took the class at a public university in California). While in California, I had a tendency to sometimes lose myself in the culture—the progressive and enlightened, “do as you please” way of thinking. When I began this class, I wasn’t very rock-solid in my faith. I was excited to take the class, in hopes that it would help my solidify my beliefs–and give me a bolder spirit. As time went by, I let my doubts grow. Eventually, I allowed myself to be swayed by the philosophies presented to me (pun unintended). As I struggled with subjects such as predestination, salvation, and even the validity of the Bible, I began to toy with the idea of walking away from Christianity. I read several theology books, both Christian and non-Christian, searching for the answers. Long story short, I came to a point where I realized that Christianity is not a religion—it is faith. Even during that time of extreme doubt, my God never walked away. I strayed and let my humanity question everything I had ever believed–still God was there. Even though He is beyond comprehension, He allowed me to question Him, and provided the answers I needed.
Do we always find the answers we want? No. But our God is great. He is complete, and we find all we need in Him.

I can never escape from Your Spirit!
I can never get away from Your presence!
If I go up to heaven, You are there;
if I go down to the grave, You are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there Your hand will guide me,
and Your strength will support me.
I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night-
but even in darkness I cannot hide from You.
To You the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to You.
Psalm 139:7-12

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January 11, 2006 at 11:55 am (Uncategorized)

A couple of weeks ago, I saw “The Family Stone” and loved it. Sarah Jessica Parker plays Meredith Morton–a chic business executive who has a strong will and a brittle personality. She has a bad habit of being overly efficient, putting her foot in her mouth, and making people feel awkward in her presence. I loved her. It was fun to watch her try so hard with the people around her, and attempt to overcome her self-consciousness long enough to build a relationship with her boyfriend’s family.
In my personal analysis over the last couple of weeks, I have come to several conclusions:
One, I am an awkward person, and I have the skill of making others feel awkward. I say “skill” because I can turn it on and off. When I feel awkward, I have a tendency to make others feel awkward…misery loves company.
Two, I have a very brittle personality. I tend to be too prim and too stiff around people. I find myself wondering why I have very few friends…and yet, I bring it upon myself.
Three, I have GOT to learn to keep my mouth shut. I don’t even think before I say things, and it constantly gets me in trouble. In my old age, I have become cantankerous and irascible. Something irritates me, and I feel as though it is my job to address/fix it. That needs to stop.
Just a few thoughts on my current disposition. To those I consistently affect…I apologize. At some point, I will learn how to be a good friend.

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January 7, 2006 at 12:20 pm (Uncategorized)

I do it simply because I must.

Untitled
I don’t want to search the world
And wonder where You are;
I don’t want to look for You
In places so far.
I don’t want to show You
Every pain I’ve ever felt;
I don’t want to need You
And have to save myself.
I don’t want to run from You
I cannot run that hard.
I just need You here with me
To hold me in Your arms.

I don’t want to turn away
Convinced that it’s the best;
I don’t want to stay here
And never find Your rest.
I don’t want to be alone-
Live my life in solitude,
Thinking I hold the answers,
When really I’m the fool.

I don’t want to run from You
I cannot run that hard.
I just need You here with me
To hold me in Your arms.

I cannot save myself
With a self-reliant faith.
Who am I turn from You,
From Your mercy and Your grace?

I don’t want to run from You
I cannot run that hard.
I just need You here with me
To hold me in Your arms.

Her Plea
With foolish certainty
She clung to broken chains.
Every arrow hit the heart of a fear
Creating lies in Caution’s name.
Her innocence has disappeared-
Lost to a thief too deceitful to avoid.
Which way is up, where can she turn?
Can You repair a past she destroyed?

She can’t exist in a prison her sin built,
But, there is One who will ransom a captive.
She is reclaimed by the blood of Your Lamb,
You bring grace to all she has hid.

She has crawled to Your lap;
She can do nothing but weep.
Erase her buried stains;
Redeem the secrets of her deep.

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January 5, 2006 at 1:30 pm (Uncategorized)

I have a friend named Laura in California. She and her family used to live in a house on a lot of land, and they have horses, and cats, and chickens. Yeah…chickens. So, they went on vacation once, and I was somehow finangled into housesitting (I don’t do animals). So I’m feeding horses, and such, one night (its about 9:30 and dark), and I traipse up the hill to the chicken coop. Mind you, I hate anything that flies (birds, bugs–anything that has the potential of freaking me out–things with wings fly faster than I can run). There were these “muck boots” I was supposed to wear–me being the non-animal type, I figured I’d just wear my flip flops. So, I’ve got my flip flops and the chicken feed, and I bravely venture into the chicken coop. Now, I’ve never been around live chickens–just the ones at the grocery store (the dead, plucked kind). So, I go in, the door closes, and I walk over to the food bucket and pour in the feed. At this point, I’m talking to the chickens, asking them nicely to leave me alone, and I am rapidly tip-toeing across the hay (flouncing, basically). I turn to leave, and realize there is no door handle…and it’s locked. So, it is 9:30 at night, and I’m stuck in the chicken coop. By this time, these chickens have realized that I am not one of them, and they start climbing (yes, climbing) up the poles to their perch, and diving off. I’m talking nose dive straight into me. I’m FREAKING out. I’m hopping around the chicken coop in my flip flops, feeling as if I was there for target practice (apparently I was–if they could have thrown the eggs they layed, they would have). So I gather myself just enough to realize that I’m going to have to yell for help–they have neighbors down the hill. However, the only open part in the chicken coop is the muck room. What is muck? Dung and mud. With chickens attacking, I make a split decision to run into the muck room (in flip flops) so I can yell for help. The chickens were smart–they didn’t follow. What kind of person (or chicken) goes into a muck room at night? The desperate kind. I stood in my flip flops, in muck, yelling for help until the neighbors came out. They had to hike the hill and rescue their neighbor’s muck covered, panic-stricken house-sitter.

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January 3, 2006 at 11:30 pm (Uncategorized)

Here I Am -Sevenglory
Come into My arms and I will give you rest
Will you trust Me with your whole life?
Will you go into the place that I call you to be
And wait until I supply?

Only there will you find joy
Only there will you find Me

Here I am, I’m waiting for you
I’m waiting for the day when you see light
Here I am, You’re never alone
Wherever you go, I am here
Trust Me with your life

I will take away the pain you hide
Fill it with My love, will you ever begin to see
The reaons why you are here? Take a leap of faith
Into the arms of Me.

Only there will you find joy
Only there will you find Me

Here I am, I’m waiting for you
I’m waiting for the day when you see light
Here I am, You’re never alone
Wherever You go, I am here
Trust Me with your life

“He’s right—I need to stop with the Thomas complex and trust God. I don’t need to see the end result to know if I am making the right decision. I need to make a Godly decision and trust God to handle the end result. It is okay to voice my doubt to God–He is already aware of it. If I love God, I will do everything possible to love and please Him. My reverence for God should rouse me out of my sleepiness and have me dancing to His tunes. The more aware I am of God, the more involved I will be in working for Him…no matter where I am. When it comes down to it, it is about living every moment for His glory. My heart should be so inclined to His, it shouldn’t be this difficult to make a decision. The Lord has been leading people and taking care of them for hundreds of years…He will take care of me.”

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