confidence
Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. ~Alfred Adler
i love good conversations. if i were to make a list of favorite people, those at the top of the list are the ones i regularly have good, honest, real conversations with.
for the last few years, i’ve struggled with words over action. certainly, our faith is not built on works, but on His grace. but is there a difference between a faith built on works and a faith built on words? aren’t they equally “religious” and not built on grace? it is so easy to fall for words…they can be so eloquently designed, so beautifully arranged. there are so many things i think i need/want to hear. but truly, the depth of a man’s words is measured by his action. no defense should ever need to be offered when a person truly lives by what he believes. a defense is always required when a person merely says what he thinks he believes….with no actual evidence of conviction.
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing. If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.
this is a rough indictment to deal with. could “religion” and “words” be interchanged? are my words worthless because my actions don’t prove them true? how deep are my words? do they dwell on the surface…making me seem like something i am not? or do they reside in my utmost being? do they put me on the “map” of the people i seemingly want to impress or are they simply the overflow of my actions?
these questions challenge me in a completely new way. when i use this passage or these thoughts to shine a light on my intentions, i am challenged to stop conversing about real and honest things and start doing real and honest things. i am challenged to put away my selfishness, my pride, my anger, my self-worth, my religion and to live in a way that shows people who Jesus was/is. we ask ourselves “what would Jesus say?” on a much to regular basis. somewhere along the line, it became less about pure and undefiled religion and more about saying the right thing to appear as something we aren’t. it is easy to fool people for longer when we use our words consistently. but using our actions to show what we believe? that would require a greater effort. and, perhaps, the use of words and the lack of evidential action IS the action that shows who we truly are.
i believe we were each created with something specific in mind. i believe God had/has a purpose for our existence. and i don’t think it is merely for words.
i’ve missed Him
doing=believing
right?
so, i’ve been on this incredible spiritual journey. and by incredible, i mean incredibly frustrating. i always learn things when i least expect it…but when i’m looking for answers, they so conveniently evade me.
since i was a child, i’ve put a lot of pressure on myself. i’m very performance driven, regardless of whether or not anyone else is watching my “performance.” i can effectively beat myself up for a number of reasons….that aren’t really reasons at all.
i used to play super mario. i LOVE super mario. in fact, there have been numerous times lately that i’ve perused ebay, looking for a super nintendo, just so i can play super mario. i’m good at it. and everytime i find a new level or i beat a bad guy, i actually find myself proud of what i just accomplished.
such is the game of church. i cannot rightly place the blame anywhere but on myself. somehow, i have organized this game of super church. the levels consist of these things i have to do or accomplish. church attendance. invite a friend. serve in an area. serve in two areas. do something at church when no one is actually at the church. read the Bible. quote a verse. quote a chapter. quote a book. read the Bible everyday. read the Bible in the morning. read the Bible for longer. pray with big words. pray with Bible verses. pray with memorized Bible verses. come up with a new, insightful way to end the prayers. pray all day long and never end the prayers. bring Jesus into every conversation. make Jesus the only conversation. and so on and so forth, the levels continue to build.
so, several weeks ago, i turned the game off. completely. i stopped doing all of the aforementioned things. completely. no church, no Bible, no praying.
the guilt was almost too much, but i continued to “slack-off.” and the guilt is gone. the game of church is gone. all i’m left with is my faith. all i’m left with is my relationship with Jesus. i actually have to pursue intimacy with Him, instead of coming up with all of these levels to beat.
somewhere, in the last (almost) 12 years, my relationship with Jesus became more about what i was doing instead of what He was doing. i found pride in the new levels i was moving on to…longer quiet times, earlier quite times, etc. etc. etc.
which is not to say those things aren’t a part of a relationship with Christ…but they aren’t what it is about. not even a little. if i continue to do what i think i am supposed to do, with no effect on the outside world, what did i really accomplish? why on earth would i consider it a good thing to beat the game when i never acted like Jesus? shouldn’t i represent who He is instead of representing what religion is?
and so, as i have put to the side all of the things that are expected of me, i have found an incredible place of grace. the kind where my heart yearns to spend time with Jesus and the kind where i want to look like Jesus.
when i put aside all the little things…the expectations i placed on myself, i found that i’ve missed Jesus. sure, i know verses and how to pray, and i understand His Word…but i’ve missed being with Him.
doing=believing
believing=doing
you don’t DO to prove you BELIEVE. you believe, and because you cannot help yourself, you do.
craving something beautiful
my shoulders are tight and my neck is tense. i’m fighting a continuous headache. my head feels dense…the thoughts are packed so tightly inside.
i have a craving. stronger than anything i’ve ever felt before. i cannot explain the depths of my thirst and my hunger for Him and His freedom. He breaks chains, and rescues the captives. He holds the weak and rescues the lost. i am craving His touch.
i love mosaics. i love the colors and the designs. i love to step close and look at the individual pieces, then move backwards and see the whole thing. i imagine that i am like that, too. each piece is different…some chipped, some smooth, some colored. but one day, when i look back from His point of view, i’ll see something beautiful. knowing that makes me love the jagged edges of those little pieces….they make it what it is.
the death of dreams
i always put my thoughts into writing…eventually. last week, i happened to write an email to a friend and put into words this thing i’ve been battling recently.
“I used to have dreams. When I was little, I had dreams. In high school, and even parts of college, I had dreams. I don’t have dreams anymore. I don’t know if I lost them. I don’t know if I need them. I don’t know if God has more for me. I just know that in the same way that I dreamed about silly things when I was a little girl: my wedding, turning 16, having my own house, traveling the world, changing the world…now I dream of Jesus. All I want is Jesus. All I look for is Jesus. I go to church because the Bible says where two or more are gathered together in HIS name, He is with them. So I go. Jesus is in the eyes of the orphans, the cries of the poor, the brokenness of the widows, the pain of the oppressed…thats where I go. I travel the world because He is in creation. All I want is Him.”
proverbs 29:18 “where there is no vision, people perish”
so dreams are important, right? i’ve felt naked without them. i’ve been a dreamer as long as i can remember. thinking up incredible things & designing my day before i even began it.
except that those dreams were mine. mine to hold, mine to have, mine to accomplish. and as i pursued them, they became smaller. on the side mirror on my car it says, “objects in mirror are closer than they appear.” i feel like my dreams were missing a caption: “dreams you dream are smaller than they appear.”
so after mourning the fact that those dreams no longer fit, i finally realized what had happened to them. i’m supposed to die to myself – to live is Christ, but to die is gain. so isn’t it valid that my dreams must die in order to make room for His? habbakuk 1:5 says, “look around and be utterly amazed, for i am doing something in your time that you would not believe, even if i told you.” ok…great verse. except when i looked at those silly dreams, they were believable. i don’t want to pursue the believable…i want to pursue the unbelievable. something that requires Him. something that cannot be accomplished outside of Him. something that makes someone look at my life and say, “it had to be Jesus.”
the j-walk
The much anticipated dance video has finally arrived.
*this is a MUCH shortened version…someday, i’ll give you the whole thing. 
a new direction
The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord.
Psalm 37:23
i will be honest and say this is an awkward blog to write. i want to do my best to express my heart.
i have purposed in my heart to follow the Lord. i made a commitment several years ago to be an “at all cost” Christian. meaning: no matter where, no matter when, no matter the cost. i will honestly admit that i haven’t always been so quick to be obedient…but i put my ‘yes’ on the table a long time ago. and i left it there for good.
the Lord made it clear that He wanted me to follow Him to cairo. so many of you have been on this journey with me since the beginning. on may 27, i boarded a plane and headed to the middle east. on june 17, i boarded a plane headed for tulsa.
it was an easy ‘yes’ to go…but not so easy to follow Him home. for health reasons, i simply could not stay in cairo. there was no guarantee that things would get better, and He brought me home to heal and recover. as i boarded the plane in cairo, i cried…truly feeling as though i had failed. as i poured over scripture and truly sought the Lord, He reminded me that He was directing my steps. i may have failed in terms of my own plans…but i followed Him, and that is not failure.
i have been home for 5 days, and have appreciated my family. i have wonderful people who love me and support me and only want the best. my health continues to be an issue, but i have a great doctor and incredible prayer support. please continue to pray for me as i remember that HE is the Great Physician and rely on His strength in each moment.
i may have landed in tulsa, but i assure you, the journey is not over. i have found myself on one of the most exciting, stretching, crazy, unexpected adventures. the Lord is working in my heart and in my life, and i am so excited at what He is doing! He is moving in the nations…and that includes THIS nation! i have sought to know His heart for His people…and He so quietly reminded me that my neighbors are included.
i cannot hold in all He is doing. i will continue to journal through His teachings and to shout from the rooftops what He is whispering so sweetly to my heart. your support has meant so much up to this point…feel free to follow along as the journey continues. i’m so excited for what He has.
(PS there is a video…a really really humorous video…that should be posted this week. be prepared. i danced.)
quite a day in cairo
in the span of two days, april, carrie, and i conquered cairo with our truly awesome dance skills. the video is still being edited, but should be up sometime tomorrow. its ok to cry…we all did at some point.
we had a blast!
we started our day off with a bit of narration…no worries, it gets cut off..
we went to city starts, the khan, the hyatt (to the very top where you can see all of cairo), and hard rock cafe. we stopped a few other places…it was a lot of fun!
April, Carrie and I in our awesome taxi…
…with our awesome taxi driver
hard rock cafe was awesome, as was the top of the hyatt. you could see the whole city from there. i babysat a few nights before and sang “J-sus loves Me” to cairo before he went to bed. i teared up when i started singing, “yes, J-sus loves cairo, yes, J-sus loves cairo. yes, J-sus loves cairo, the B-ble tells me so”. as i looked out over the city, those words echoed in my mind and the L-rd reminded me again of His heart for the nations.
and the end of our day came too quickly…and again, the video cuts off. but we have a blast around cairo!
enjoy! this is a small taste of our day. the final video project should be posted soon!
heading west
well…this isn’t what i expected. i’ll reveal all in the next day or so. but in a few hours, i’ll be headed slightly west of where i’m sitting right now.
the L-rd has been so faithful. it must seem so cliche to hear, but i am truly in awe of Him. i truly have strength in ways i didn’t know because of Him. He sees each of us, knows where we are at, and meets us right there. not only that, but He knows where we are headed and is there waiting for us to arrive.
i’m so thankful. for so many things. He is good, all the time.
mesh hena
My child, hear My voice, and give no heed to the voice of the stranger. My paths are straight, and they are narrow, but you shall have no difficulty in finding them if you watch Me. I am guiding you. You need not look to people for direction. you may learn much by fellowship with teh saints, but never allow any to take teh role that is rightfully Mine – to direct your steps. as it is written, “the steps fo a good man are ordered by the L-rd” – not by the preacher, not by some Chr-stian worker, but by the L-rd. trust Me to do it, and give Me the time and opportunity to do it. be not hasty, and lean not upon your own intelligence. rest in Me. I shall bring to pass My perfect will in your life as you believe and live in faith.
nothing has been more applicable in the last 36 hours than the passage i read yesterday in my devotion. i have been seeking the L-rd as to how He wants me to proceed. where He wants me. what He wants from me. i have heard so many opinions and had such good advice from others. but when it came down to it, i could only seek the path of my Father. i can say that the road He is leading me down looks nothing like the road i thought i was taking. i cannot say i am surprised…i have a hard time saying i am disappointed. i simply want to be in the middle of G-d’s will for my life. wherever that is, whatever that means. i ache to follow Him wholeheartedly. sometimes the steps don’t look quite like i think they do…or the direction seems opposite than i would have imagined. but the good news is, He knows. He never changes. His direction never changes. He simply leads.
follow Him. seek after Him. i don’t have to seek the counsel of others when i’m seeking the counsel of the Great Counselor. as a friend recently reminded me, “you don’t have to see the way if you know the One who is the way.” i will follow. every step. i may have questions, and sometimes i’ll voice them. but today, i will confidently follow His direction and trust that He loves me more than i will ever understand.
pig what?
i am about to take you on an excursion the likes of which you’ve never even dreamed of.
you will have follow this post EXACTLY as i tell you, otherwise you will miss very important, funny parts.
first, let me give some background. i am white. i am a foreigner. there are other white, foreigners currently being quarantined for swine flu (that is the last time i will use that phrase…here on out, it is the thing of which we do not speak…sort of.). so, in the country that slaughtered all the pigs to avoid a situation like this…we find that W.H.O. was right…it doesn’t come from pigs. it comes from people. from other countries. aka: white foreigners.
so. yesterday, courtesy of my U.S. dr, i headed to the lab for a few blood tests. i got a special call from a special person at the hadonna i am working at, letting me know that my absence (from my illness) had created a bit of panic among the parents. (remember, i am a white foreigner). it was requested (demanded) that i be tested for that of which we do not speak. so we went to the lab, and requested the other blood tests and the “special” test. i wish i could show you a picture of shock that was on the man’s face when we said those words…unfortunately i do not have it. so, i went to the sampling room (literally) and got stuck more than once as they collected a few vials of the red stuff.
then, we proceeded to find out more information about my “special” test. due to the slight panic in the area regarding this issue…we were told that we’d have to check me into a government hospital and i’d be stuck there until they decided to let me go…which could literally have been days. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
so, thru friends, phone calls, text messages, and the internet…we found a special place that would possibly test me themselves and not worry about it. i have the antibiotic with me, and i would at least have the paper to say i’m negative.
so today, we set out on an adventure to find this place. here is the first part of our day:
we ended up going to the american embassy (which, by the way, is not run by americans, come to find out. however, it was a bit like being home…what with the american flag in the corner. they said, no they won’t test anyone but embassy employees. great. so we hopped into another taxi. after a LOT of explaining, we found where we were supposed to go. its like a secret, black op, health organization working here with the ministry of health. they’re response to my request? we’ll get kicked out of egypt if we do that. them and us.
GREAT.
so, we were given advice…if i walked into the hospital and asked for the test, i’d be kept. by requesting it, i’m submitting myself to their authority, with no rights as a citizen of any country. my response was….NO THANKS. so we left.
needless to say, the test was never performed (it would have been negative…but just for the heck of it, i attempted to act our the words of that of which we do not speak. i’m supposed to be a sick pig)
end result? no test. self administered drugs. and a kindly requested 7 day absence from the hadonna. awesome.
(tomorrow, i’ll share something Godly…but laughter is good for the heart and that’s Biblical!)
